leave all keys and excess baggage at the door

2006-12-14T17:49:00.000+08:00

Nice word; tressaillements. Nice enough to be a name. Weird enough to be a link =)

2006-12-14T14:37:00.000+08:00

I was about to start this entry of with an "I want to explode", but I checked my last one (which was..eons ago) and that began with an "I want..", too. I don't feel like sounding selfish (nice try, nice try) and I don't feel like making sense. But I wish I could explode..into a million little stars. A million little Christmas lights (not the multi-colored ones, of course) and a million little butterfly wings and white rose petals and snowflakes that land like kisses on your cheeks.

Y'know, I think I need to work on my so-called Lit knowledge (which, in all truth, is made up of..*drumroll please* unfinished poetry books, magazines and half-opened novels nobody cares to know -ugh, just to sound cool about it), just so that I can work on my thoughts again. ~~Or maybe I just need something to happen.~~ I just need those God-forsaken words.

'Cause I'm starting to sound (and feel) like everyone else..and the truth is, I'm not too sure that I like it. It feels like another good time to reformat, to me. Inspiration!..the serendipitous type, of course (which makes it twice as amazing). I love how certain people can make you feel so small, and feel so much and wish you saw even more. I want to write like that -seeing more in the rough of old wooden tablesides than most have on New Year's eve.

I need to write about the way walking across a mound makes my stomach tie up in knots like it's Forever; like I'm not stuck in a rut and like I do have more in this head than useless junk about Ancient History and even older routines.

Much love, 'til then! =)

2006-12-05T19:02:00.000+08:00

I want him to lose all train of thought, at the sight of me..or fall all over himself, at the thought of me.

*Sigh*, what I'd do to have you all..caught up.

2006-12-04T18:26:00.000+08:00

There are few words to contain this daze..very little, after all, was said..or had to be said. But no, there was (and is) something to be said about the way I might've melted into the curve of your shoulder, or fallen quickly and subtly and secretly into smiles (buried, perhaps, into your shirt? That's what you get for pulling the silly thing close enough to pretend.) We kept more, in our silences, than most will ever speak. I've decided that there is so little left to doubt.

I'd like to keep a bit of you guessing, though ('til, well..)..so I'll keep some of this all to myself ('til, well..). But whatever we are, whoever I am, you make me smile the headaches away. Would you let me in, stranger?

I owe you a..hmmm :-)

2006-11-30T14:49:00.000+08:00

Party sa ulan, leche

2006-11-28T20:10:00.000+08:00

Am I mysterious, yet? I feel as though I've let my walls fall far too low for far too long. Perhaps I have undermined silence..or saw it to be beyond reach, or possibility in my given circumstance; circumstance, rather, I have chosen to let myself sink into. I am escaping into public disclosure, once again; in spite of time..or the perpetual lack of it.

Am I as transparent as I (regrettably) feel? Something refuses to unwind..it is her; groping and clawing at my insides. It is her; the egomaniac I am powerless against, the monster they warned us of in preschool. I can feel her pulling at my heartstrings and filling my head with too much to decipher. It is her that beckons me to exist without feeling or reason without understanding. (But I distinctly feel bits of her escape from those smiles, run out of those laughs, and fall as the sweat by a beat or a rush of feet)

You don't know it yet (though I'm pretty sure you've got some clue) but you kill her, for me, quite a bit..quite alot, in all truth; enough to make me wonder if I'm saving any of you, back. I wish..I wish to know. (I could care less about being selfish) Do you, really? And..would you, still?

There is something to be said about the first.

2006-11-25T07:56:00.000+08:00

We are the breaths called suffering humanities; struggling fixation, chronic frustration. The days pass like blurs by our car windows, leaving traces of who the what the where the fcuk. Numbers hit hard and fast, but it was the disappointment that overlooked every heavied sigh, that killed me. I promise you: this hardly comes easily. I can feel myself wasting away, today.

(But I am the infinity you make me out to be, I am the bait of the hook; the risk a fool once took! I am capable and in view, and I'd make you doubletake..if I didn't catch you the first time. Because I did, as you glanced a second too long and a smirk too short. There is too much, beyond the lines I've drawn, so much sans my preoccupation.)

I hope to be given reason to make more sense, soon.

2006-11-21T19:41:00.000+08:00

Hm, what is this thing you people call "rest"?

2006-11-18T08:31:00.000+08:00

Snippets!..because I'm tamad to write and because it was quite a day-slash-night and because..well, just because, alright? :-)

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*Ahem*.."dude". scared yourself. beadle-phile. lemon squares. oil spill. fear of the Lord. + + + - - +. "wow, we're alot". kawawa si Kintin. bhl. Blast from the Past. 86 Froot Loops. "kinda hard to concentrate". Buknoy. rident. "there's no reason for living". sabaw steps. ooh, shiny. cancelled plans. pa-epal. make me libre, instead. donuts. coffee jelly Ice Monster mmm. "project" that I knew nothing about (humph, Ateneo Math). spam girl. freaky statue people. Ivan the protective boyfriend. emo child. just like ****. find a cab. *tampo*. keep off the grass >:-P. no swings, no star..oh wait, one star ha ha. the "secret". poof.

-------------------

Star light, star bright

only star I saw that night;
I've got a wish and, wrong or right,
it's all I've got so hold on tight
wish I "may" more than I "might"
remedy fear with hope so slight.

2006-11-15T21:02:00.000+08:00

I woke up with a start, taking a subconscious headache to heart. It got harder to push away, but (as always) thoughts of you did that for me. Don't ask me how. Don't ask me why.

No one else has to understand..after all, I'm not too sure I do, either..but shh, you make me smile the headaches away :-)

2006-11-14T19:18:00.000+08:00

Think..just a little bit, just enough to catch the slips in my secrets. Spill, just a little more, just enough to outweigh the need to play it safe. Ho-hum, it's been..*counts with fingers* a while.

2006-11-13T18:40:00.000+08:00

This is an entry for the sake of documenting an incredibly random, stupid schoolgirl moment. Nothing profound (although I'm tempted to completely outdo that Histo discussion on religion) and nothing cryptic..just because I don't feel like being too secretive, for once :-)

I dragged myself to the gym today, despite my homework load (bam!), simply because I felt like the retreat had successfully killed II-1's lovely figures. Add to that the fact that my maids pointed at the wrong pyrex of lasagna the other night (there goes my semi-vegan lifestyle achievement *sigh*) and all the usual conversations about our batch's obvious weight and self esteem issues (my favorite part, by the way, was the bit about how friend A wakes up in the middle of dreams about eating a bag of chips in a cold sweat) I swear I don't know how we all got this way; in the cooking half of THE class alone, there're probably three or four people per table with some eating disorder or the other. Hilarious. So anyway, I go into the locker room and hey there's that thing called a weighing scale. Now usually that little thing makes me sorta happy, but today..crap, I couldn't get over it. I cursed Antipolo to the high Heavens with every crunch, lap, breath. Tomorrow, I decided, I'll skip breakfast. Or dinner. And lunch -but wait, I never eat lunch.

God I hate being a girl.

So after an hour of cursing and running and telling myself that dang scale's a piece of shit, it's back into the locker room. I can't help but look at the evil thing and what's this? Turning to one of the assistant maintenance whatever ladies fixing her hair in the mirror, I ask (in that high pitched shaky Tagalog voice) "miss, uhm..yung scale na toh..?" She jerks, slightly and smiles "ay sira po talaga yun, dati pa" I look closer and *mwahaha* the useless evil piece of shit registered about twelve or thirteen pounds without anything or anyone on it.

Uh-huh, take that, Antipolo.

-------------------

You wake me right out of the doldrums..and I'm pretty sure you half-know why I haven't half-smiled, in a while. Don't leave me wondering for too long, please. My mind's a deadly wishy washy switchy swatch!

-------------------

Oh, oh! And, in case anyone was wondering; yes, I'd probably love anyone who got me the new Starbucks planner FOREVER *bats lashes* hahaha

2006-11-11T12:03:00.000+08:00

You're not even worth the tiniest bit of me, sweetheart :-)

2006-11-10T21:01:00.000+08:00

It was then that I admitted to the frailty of my secrets; in the grey of those provincial clouds, hazed and tracking as lazily as my soul. Despite the hypocrisy of a kickout, and a never-was, we shed bits and pieces of our humanity; pure, transparent and weak, slipping through that sharp gaze and curve of one's cheeks..as though softening all expression of our Truths! Yes, I'm a crybaby; yes, I'm ridiculously sentimental; and, yes, I miss you like I miss my linked STAND UP SPEAK UP ballers that no longer hang by my left wrist (sigh, dang detachment gift activity :-<)

I supposed the old wooden chairs would forever hold familiarity, and moments you couldn't barter for a whisper in the window's light; hidden issues, spin the bottle, rhetorical questions, and the unfulfilled Bethany dare. Geez, the stories we could've told; of the fake yellow roses, the last cubicle bed, and the pen light (cue creepy dramatic music)

My mind raced at thoughts of infinities I'd caught and released, for sanity's sake (because it's always for sanity's sake)..but I smiled, for old time's sake. And I smiled, knowing my logic uncuffed my skin and led me back to possibility..and beginnings, and someplace safe. Someplace without the hurt I'd sunken into. I smiled, because I distinctly remember you making it sound like you'd notice..and maybe because I need to see you soon. Because I need to know.

Oh, and although nobody can dictate who sees what, not even the most manipulative (that I should know); it was nice to know that you (and you, and always you, and *gasp* even you) saw past, regardless. How many Homes have come and gone? Without realizing, I myself had been found..so surprisingly, severely, overshadowed by the selectiveness of my stupidity! (Oi, alliteration..or something a little bit like it) In immeasurable ways, a finite being such as myself had been saved, without reason for deserving so..or, rather, with Reason much too much for that said frailty to comprehend.

The frailty I saw, for the last time, in that makeshift chapel. The one that brought me to my knees so easily; gasping and whispering "I'm sorry"s to the wind. Or to You, perhaps. You, whom I could not even bare to look at. You, whom I have dissapointed (among so many others) You, who I do not deserve..who makes everything better with no reason other than Reason. I wondered when all this change had transpired, and when I embraced the idea of isolation. The unanswerable broke down the minute I had choked down enough tears (and been held and fixed by enough *hugs* and tissue packs) to breathe and realize that we'd all made ourselves feel more alone than we'd really ever been. We're a bunch of loners..who just (thankfully) happened to find each other, now.

I wuv you, II-1. Assumption Antipolo with you guys..was Home :-)

2006-11-07T18:37:00.000+08:00

There will be two nights' distance, but I swear the abstinence will bring me close to nowhere, sans insanity. Living for rare clarity, I caught myself wishing on 11:11..how perfectly pathetic. As pathetic as sighing that signature smile, within taunting's range. (School girl teasing is a horribly rampant bit of torture) Did I take my words back, with every speechless moment? Caught off guard and overwhelmed, again and again and again..what is there left to doubt? Meet me halfway, and I swear to walk the line.

2006-11-06T21:13:00.000+08:00

We're friends okay. Don't let it get to your head; boys like you are a dime a dozen

2006-11-04T11:00:00.000+08:00

Inebriation is a funny, funny thing..thankfully, this little Fetus stayed sober enough to appreciate (and remember!) its humor. I must admit, I got a little more drunk on the thought of you than that vodka shot into my throat and (body) shot off a Four-ever friend's neck. (Yes, luv, your life is now complete) Completely oblivious to the choirs and parental supervision, secrets and margarita slipped and spilt onto broken bench swings and unfortunate tsinelas.

Completely oblivious to..hm.

Words seem to (once again) fail the fire in our lungs, and tightness in our chests. Or perhaps I fail the words which, of course, never truly fail to strike fair and square. Words I still can't find..emotion I have yet to pinpoint. We will ~~allow ourselves to~~ make more sense next time..yes, maybe next time or something.

2006-11-03T08:54:00.000+08:00

So maybe ancient history is meant to be dug up..when, and only when, its survival is worth preservation. I may play the prodigal and forsake the All Star black and white, but it's nice to know that certain things lie waiting in nostalgia's closet (then again, that goes both ways hm) And contrary to (stoofid) belief, I'm pretty sure we'll be looking through that mess every so often, friend :-)

As for tonight, I pray that my tell-tale willpower gives me the strength to stay sober..not that it's given me much trouble, before. Truth is; I can see myself too overcome with fatigue, to sneak a sip, already. The days are ticking away, and we're dragging ourselves up North yet again (to blah away at our energy levels and reward ourselves with imaginary tequila)..routine, like the little girl's perfectly rigid schedule; routine, like the targets we hit solely because we can never afford to miss. Perfectly routine, like the words that never slip and smiles that hardly hit past half.

Although I wonder if I'm up for handing someone leverage over my absolutes, again..and I wonder if you could make a ~~beautiful~~ mess out of me.

'Til the answers compell me to abdicate the role, I suppose there is nothing much else to do but remain calculating..tugging ever so subtly at these strings. (Occassionally, though, I'd like to believe I can feel you tug back)..and I must admit, you catch me a little bit off-guard, stranger.

2006-11-02T12:55:00.000+08:00

..*sigh* so much I want to know, so many words I can't find.

Oh, and..ew, I don't even remember the last time I was "just a friend" :-<

2006-11-01T06:52:00.000+08:00

I'm beginning to suspect insomnia, for no good reason. As much as my consciousness begs to be put to no use, the flesh dictates sensation with bat in hand.

Beyond decent hours, I put thoughts of secrets away (for my sanity's sake!!)..but tidying things up implies keeping them, albeit in someplace less accessable for the time being.

Enter: people I don't know, who seem to mistake the 31st of October for Valentine's; people I do, who feign mystery as I play dumb; and secrets I've taken in or made myself, piling up in place of Maths and Biology, all threatening to ease up that scale towards insanity.

Miles short of decent hours, I awoke to another sting (I'm telling you, I don't understand how this flesh continues to refuse rest) 'til I realized I had paid my dues and numbed like no other in this given situation. And that sad attempt seemed to fade, with no mark, much like the others. Because it takes something of much greater substance to leave a mark, comparable to how diamonds cut through glass without so much as a scratch!

At that, I would like to point out my lack of scars *clap clap* and I would, as well, much like to think that it is a knack for healing that keeps this masochistic being, breathing..and that makes that half-pound of difference.

2006-10-31T14:37:00.000+08:00

Despite the many times I said I couldn't..don't underestimate my sense to forget. I'm sorry, but it's better like this.

2006-10-30T22:20:00.000+08:00

Did you catch those far and away glances, sighing for a minute's nerve? I swear the corner of my eye tricked itself into believing so, as thrice I chose to look and not speak, or speak and not mean! Though, more than thrice, I saw and might've suppressed the curve of my lips or tint of my cheeks. Yes, because I'm stubborn like that. Perhaps I will abandon all thought to the fourth star, or surrender completely to the sun..oh, and to what we dare to refer to only as destiny. (Haha, all hail the ~~hypocrite~~ convert!) Regardless, I admit..I might've chosen to submit to that school girl ideal. And I admit; I might've said more than meant, so much more than thrice.

2006-10-30T22:06:00.000+08:00

..and, until that reassurance calmed my heart back into stability, I think I might've shivered a bit.

2006-10-29T21:58:00.001+08:00

I caught whispers of possibility, by bonfires and fields. Worlds seemed to collide with conspired privacy, the wonders of SMS and (by some odd stroke of luck) coincidence, herself..although we, of course, leave no amount of sloth up to fate! Slowly, we seem to master the fine art of manipulating this tell-tale hourglass by ways of sarcasm and half smiles. When we choose to feel a bit rougher around the edges, we scream into sophomore frustration; but by nothings and sighs, we are left sunkissed and reeling.

I will always live for the intrigue, well-played.

2006-10-28T15:32:00.000+08:00

This is little more than yet another
sad attempt at an introduction.
There is not much left to say,
despite the millions better left unsaid.
I am, I suppose..taking another stab
at renewal, and blazing through phases
of stop motion transition.

Oh, and I'm hoping,
to God almighty,
that I find those singed wings
in time to save myself.
After all, I am the girl
with eternity on ink
and emotion for company.

And to those who feel, I am anything but cold.